my pain

I think I'm trapped in my mind...but I can't tell anyone whats wrong with me, I start to panic when they ask.

I don't mind writing it out though.

 I  get panic attacks when I'm uncomfortable, but now it seems like my air way is closing.  I have panic attacks over dumb stuff like cleaning, or not saying what I really mean. No I don't like people, not allot. I'm not organized either. When people forget about me I'd rather just suffer then joining them. I fantasize all the time like I'm still in my imaginary friend state, but I know they are not real. People ask me if I ever talk normal, not mean. I say not much, I'm a pretty straight up person. When I'm in public I act, or try to look normal, but people say I walk weird, I guess I have my head up a lot with a straight back. Yeah I'd like to die, maybe then I can dream a real life forever.  I have this inner personality, I know I do, I just can't show it. I would die if I did, I'm always worried someone is looking at me. I envy other women a lot.... Also I always have a train of thoughts in my head and I have problems remembering things. I don't fall asleep until almost 3hrs after I lay down because I just think forever. Really anybody can change my mood, usually I'm angry, no matter how nice I could be I snap at everyone in my house, even at a simple question(my poor family deals with it) I'm sick of only being happy when I dream. Oh then what I dream about is odd, I dream in childhood. , nor can I tell my husband how horrible I feel, he asks, but I just get so confused and start crying.  Its like I cant talk at all, but really want to. I have lots of regrets, its like something bad happened to me,something that I can only half remember. What in the hell is this mental disorder?!

It's as if I tell myself I'm not safe where I am, and if I verbally tell someone whats wrong with me, they'll just think your a loser and leave me. I know I can talk! but I always tell myself I'd be better if I said nothing!! I can't take it, I don't know if I do this to myself, is it real or imagined?.

Why are mine different than yours?

I sat and cried this morning, I am still crying so this may make sense and this may not. I hate BANG memories and this one has lasted and lasted they usually fade or just go AWAY. It hurts! I want it to go away!

My parent's were very much use the the belt at the drop of a hat type parents , my mother was a use any thing at hand type person, it could be a stick, a spatula, a rose bush piece she had just trimmed , ( the thick dead one from the bottom not the little flowers from the top) , anything from water hoses to dog leashes which back then were metal chains. 

My sister hates me, says I was mean growing up, I loved her so very much. I protected her every chance every opportunity, took the blame , when punishments came I pushed her in front of me or pushed her down so she would not be hit, she does not remember anything but the push. When Mother was in a foul mood and we were bickering as children do and I could here her coming down the hall I would hit my sister on the arm or start pulling her toy away so that I would be the one to be yanked up by my hair and slung around, my sister only remembers the the little slap on the arm, she would always run out of the room or run outside while I was punished.

Mother would lock us outside as soon as daddy left to go to work as early as 6:am and not returning home until 6:pm, I stole food and took my little brother and sister on picnics and fed them the stolen food, my sister only remembers the picnics , she does not remember the door was locked, sometimes my grandmother would let us come over to eat at her house for lunch, my sister and brother always happily cozied up to the table, I was too afraid of being caught and would hide outside, all they remember is eating at grannies. She sometimes left food in the fridge on the back porch and once in a while I stole pieces out of it ,but never enough to notice. I never knew until I was an adult she left it for me.

When we were early teens I was a defiant teen yes, but my sister would put herself in situations that were dangerous, getting into vehicles with older guys and I would track her down, one instance I tracked the guy down and actually had a fist fight with him, kicked him in the groin, he did not go down until he beat the living crap out of me, but that was my little sister, the two of them are still very good friends to this day but he never took off with her without telling me first again. She does not remember all of this either. I fought all the way through Junior high, mostly protecting my sister's reputation and protecting my little brother who picked fights he could not even begin to finish. Why can't they remember this part of me , why can't they remember that I was not mean to be mean I was mean to protect them . I LOVED THEM MORE THAN MYSELF! I WANTED TO BE THEM!

A BIT MORE

When I was around 14 the docs played around with the idea I was an MPD.

I have said before I have flash bangs of memory of my life. Other than that it is all a blank. Well my nightmares are not flash bangs and I realize I have the same ones repeatedly even as I am having them. 

The big white house with the hidden room is the most common one. There are stairs going every where twisty, winding, lots of horrible rooms,tons of scary hallways, but always I am looking for the little small panel just big enough for me. The piece of wall that I know if I push on I can go into the dusty room with the bed and the books, the one that isn't scary at all. the one that I can lay on the mattress and hold the baby, and just read, and read, and no-one will ever find me because they cant find that little piece of wall and they can't fit in.

Sometimes I am adult looking at houses to buy and there is the house just right there , I am suddenly sucked into it. Sometimes I am living in a neighboorhood at an undetermined age and go exploring and find myself running through the halls of the house looking for the safe place. The house shows up a lot .Lately it comes more and more. I am not tired but my body will lie down and I will sleep for hours and hours and I will go to the white house room.

This scares me terribly.

Remembering bang!

Ok here goes and I am a confusing and very confused person, my memory of childhood comes in flashes and sometimes bangs!

I dislike my Mother, when she died I did not cry, I could not, I did not love her, I did not like her, I did not care if she was alive or dead. When I was 23 I left and never looked back, never contacted her again. She passed a few years ago and now I am having nightmares and memories of some, or a lot of the abuse. What or who has triggered these memories is a mystery to me but it is getting difficult to endure. The nightmares are like reliving the actual incident of abuse.

My Father and my Grandmother  apologized to me a couple of years ago in front of my husband completly out of the blue for letting me go through the abuse and the times of starvation, and being locked out for hours in over 100 degree weather. For the beatings and the mental abuse. They completely knocked me for a loop. 

No Help

A few months ago I started therapy, apparently I have made a poor choice in where to go. I had 1 psychiatrist meeting , that was ok , then was supposed to have several therapy meetings. The lady stood me up time after time. So now a few months later it is time to check back in with the big Doc. review my anxiety meds and I have only had 1 therapy session that truly depressed me . whooo hooo . uggghhhhhhh!This is all supposed to be helping me learn about the blank spots in my mind. not causing worse ones!

Claims of others

My sister claims I was mean growing up, I have no knowledge or recollection of this, my knowledge consists of taking punishments for her and my little brother, getting beaten for the slightest infraction. 


I guess you could call it memories but it is not memories like other people have, I am curious about the way others remember. mine comes in flashes of knowledge to be gone again in a day, a week or a year. I don't see images in my head, I don't usually remember names from the past for more than a few moments, and it is never associated with a face. 

Why was I an Abuser?

   
 I have little flashes of Knowledge, not visions or smells, just the knowledge that I did something horrible as a child. As early as three or four I was playing sex games with other children and forcing them to comply. I don't remember this, I just know it. I any of these now grown people ever come across this blog I would like to sincerely apologize for the damage I know I had to have caused. We were a Military family growing up and moved more frequently than most, every 9 to 12 months. 


      This behavior continued until I was at least 9 or 10.  I started menstruating at 9 so it was more likely around that age. When I became 11 or 12 the boys willingly wanted sex. At 14 I left home repeatedly until I just didn't return at 15. The next time I saw my parents I was 16 with a man in tow, pregnant, and wanting them to sign a marriage license.
    I then in quick order had 5 children, worked constantly, put up with a lot of abuse,  and ran away again. 


    Here is the kicker I don't really and truly REMEMBER any of it, none, most of my so called memories are things I have been told and pictures in a book. I have started this blog to help me - help myself - try to muddle through the reasons a child would in all sense of the word rape other children, and a mother would run away from children she adores, and not remember any of it!


 So hopefully I can gain some relief through this and future blogs.