Why was I an Abuser?

   
 I have little flashes of Knowledge, not visions or smells, just the knowledge that I did something horrible as a child. As early as three or four I was playing sex games with other children and forcing them to comply. I don't remember this, I just know it. I any of these now grown people ever come across this blog I would like to sincerely apologize for the damage I know I had to have caused. We were a Military family growing up and moved more frequently than most, every 9 to 12 months. 


      This behavior continued until I was at least 9 or 10.  I started menstruating at 9 so it was more likely around that age. When I became 11 or 12 the boys willingly wanted sex. At 14 I left home repeatedly until I just didn't return at 15. The next time I saw my parents I was 16 with a man in tow, pregnant, and wanting them to sign a marriage license.
    I then in quick order had 5 children, worked constantly, put up with a lot of abuse,  and ran away again. 


    Here is the kicker I don't really and truly REMEMBER any of it, none, most of my so called memories are things I have been told and pictures in a book. I have started this blog to help me - help myself - try to muddle through the reasons a child would in all sense of the word rape other children, and a mother would run away from children she adores, and not remember any of it!


 So hopefully I can gain some relief through this and future blogs.